I wrote the below in October 2017, but didn’t publish it then. Now (almost a year later), it’s a beautiful chance to look back upon last year’s change of season. Wow, so much has happened then and since! It was tempting to change the text, delete or rewrite some sentences, but I resisted. So here’s an open, trembling heart sharing a moment in life.
I’d like to share a little about my endeavours so far after having quit my job in the beginning of this summer. My intention was and is to live fully from a place of love, trust and abundance. Living with my heart wide open, brave, vulnerable. It was a summer full of exploration and reflection, of silence and celebration, of intense emotions and fast changes. I had the chance to do ‘nothing’ (living moment to moment without a plan), to enjoy nature, to organise and facilitate retreats and workshops, to learn and experience in other retreats and workshops (contact impro, mindfulness, tantra, voicework…), to connect with beautiful and inspiring people and more.
And through it all, I met myself.
In all my glory and all my misery.
One of the things I am learning is to find a middle way. It’s the extremes that come to me effortlessly, the flight or fight state of being. But I don’t want to flee from pain or confrontation that can be touched. Neither do I want to consciously invite more of it than my heart and soul can bear. So I learn how to surrender to myself. Listening to my body, heart and soul, speaking from and acting upon this embodied truth of mine. Regardless of what I think I should feel, act, be like. What do I really want, need, desire? Instead of suppressing my very human beingness, I intend to integrate the realms of heaven and earth, to integrate wisdom, insight, the universal and emotions, physical experiences, the personal.
Step by step
Breath by breath
A little deeper
A little closer
And deeper still, there is this life lesson that revisits regularly: I am enough. No need to change, no need to prove myself, no need to do anything in order to be worthy, lovable, visible.
With the change of the seasons, I also welcome the change within and around myself. Opening myself again and again, brave and vulnerable. Some moments anxious, some curious, some ecstatic, some tearful. Trusting that this moment is perfect, acting from love instead of fear, knowing that I am enough.
In the light of another upcoming phase of my inner journey, I will be less available online. I don’t intend to run away. Instead, I’ll be even more available to myself, to the process, to nature and mother earth.
Inner work ~ outer work
Last but not least, I am happy to share with you that my initial idea to move into work as a spaceholder, organiser and facilitator of retreats and workshops is still very much alive. The experiences I could make so far have only confirmed this wish, as well as the desire to integrate mindfulness, dance and singing, body- and voicework in that. My enthusiasm grows stronger still as I gain deeper insights into those fields and as I discover the rich relations with other branches like breathwork and tantra.